The Wise Stay Single
by Fierce Socks
Summary: Soul and Maka. On coming out of the closet, insane friends, possibly unstable parents and attempted wooing. Place your bets.
1. Dating for Dummies

**Title: **The Wise Stay Single  
**Chapter: **Dating for Dummies  
**Main Pairing: **Soul/Maka  
**Warning(s): **...Just....not for the faint of heart. Bwhahahahah.  
**Note: **No young children were harmed in the making of this parody...thing. (Kid had his mind raped though.)  
**A/N 1: **Pip here! This idea spawned from a fanfic we thought was lacking in the whole 'wedding' thing, then we talked about proposals from hell and well...here we are XD Hope you enjoy!

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Looking back, it really shouldn't have surprised him that much. Then again the first thing he said was "Hot damn! Can I join?" So his mental capabilities were questionable at best, but really. Even he shouldn't have been _that_ oblivious.

The first sign hadn't exactly been subtle. Who _hadn't_ noticed that something was completely and totally amiss that fateful day?

_"Maka?"_

_"Um... I um..."_

_"The answer please?"_

_"the... Himalayas?"_

_"...This is math class."_

...Not her brightest moment. But the point of that Jedi mind trick was to prove a point. Maka Albarn did not waver in her answers, nor did she get questions wrong and she most certainly payed attention to every minute detail of _every_ lecture.

The second sign had been what really caught his attention.

_Blair had decided she was bored and had dropped in on them all during lunch, plopping herself snugly between him and Kid, directly across from Soul. "Neh, Soul....that's not your shirt." she said blinking dubiously._

The white haired boy gave her a look."...yeah it is."

_BlackStar wasn't the type to notice his best friend's apparel but now that he thought of it..."It is kinda girly man." _

_"It's plain black, How could it be girly?!"_

_"It's tight." _

_"So?"_

_Blair pursed her lips, trying not to laugh. "No it's not that...I lent that shirt to Maka a couple nights ago."_

Now _that_ had red tape all over it.

But what had really sent them all round the bend was when even Kid, yes the man without a hormone, begun to notice. Albeit he interpreted it in the completely wrong way...

_"Liz..." said weapon turned in her seat to give her paranoid meister a withering stare, quickly checking to make sure everything on her body was perfectly aligned. _

_"Yes Kid?"_

_"Is there something on my back?" Liz blinked, taken off guard by the sudden, unexpected question but briefly scanned the boys back anyway, after all the other ludicrous things he'd come out with in previous times - this was a welcome change._

_"No..." she replied cautiously, "should there be?" Kid pursed his lips and seemed to be in deep thought._

_"You're sure?" She growled slightly and thumped him on the arm, "I was just checking!" he took 15 minutes smoothing out the new folds in his jacket before continuing with his tale of 'woe', "...Soul is worrying me." _

_"...Why?" she was going to regret asking, she just knew it. _

_"Well," he bent toward her but his voice remained obnoxiously loud none-the-less, "Either he's fallen asleep with his eyes open...or Soul has been staring at my butt for the past 2 hours, why is everyone so quiet?" _

_Maka, who had been sat in front of the boy, slowly died of embarrassment._

So really it was completely provoked when BlackStar began tailing them after school.

**Day 1 of BlackStar's Observational Journal of Awesome!**

_Soul and Maka are idiots. Both of them. They're completely fine and worrying us for nothing. The end. I'm bored. Good Bye._

The idiot had ADHD...It wasn't his fault really! but when Maka came to school with a not so subtle purple bruise just over the juncture between her neck and shoulder he really wished he had more of an attention span.

Needless to say the journal idea was chucked. It made things boring.

The seventeen year old ninja spent the next week losing them before Tsubaki decided that for his own sake (and the safety of others) someone should really accompany him.

Blair however was not exactly who she had in mind.

_"Blair..."Maka hissed, giving the elder woman a crippling glare that would make even Medusa wet herself in terror, "why are you naked?"_

_"Nya?"_

_"...help...me!" Soul managed to croak, trying to shove the woman off him and look anywhere but at the girl glaring daggers in the doorway._

"And what was that supposed to prove?" Tsubaki almost snarled.

"...Soul needs to lock his windows?" The poor weapon slapped a hand to her forehead and Black Star gave the cat a high five. Of course nobody picked up the fact that said scythe, impossibly, didn't have a nosebleed.

If they had it would have presumably avoided the far worse things to come...

(That or brought about questions concerning his sexuality but details...)

X-x-X

The first person to find out was Tsubaki. Not because of her keen observation skills, not because of her awareness of all things lovey dovey, and most certainly not by accident.

She was just a good person.

And BlackStar always said that was going to bite her in the ass one day. So much for that!

She found out because Soul was in the doghouse.

Not really his brightest moment coming to her shared apartment with BlackStar but the poor boy was going into withdrawal, she couldn't really blame him.

He at least had the prescence of mind to ask her to lock the door behind him, so that was a good thing.

The moment the door was locked and ever nook and cranny of the apartment was safely BlackStar free Soul returned to his normal cool guy attitude, which was fine with her really.

He wasn't some lame shojou manga cliche. He didn't blush, he didn't look away nervously, he most definitely didn't smile goofily either...That might have actually scared a few people. He just shoved his hands deep into his pockets, scowled a bit and asked her how the hell he could get Maka to stop being an idiot and forgive him.

Kid, Patty and Liz were next.

They'd decided to drop in on the unsuspecting pair bright and early to get a resonance training session going to keep from getting rusty.

Maka yawned as she opened the door, her hair disheveled, sleep still in her half open eyes and a far too large for her T-shirt (the one a certain weapon had been wearing the night before) hanging off her thin shoulder.

The trio looked her up and down from her completely bare legs to her suddenly alert and all together nauseous looking expression.

Kid leaped for her, "Your pigtails are uneven." he complained, not liking that his one symmetrical companion other than his weapons was out of sorts.

"THATS WHAT YOU NOTICE?!"

Of course things, if you can believe, only got worse from there.

Due to Soul and Maka's sudden lack of interaction with the rest of their little group/cult/sect/therapy session organized an evening to watch a movie round Kid's house for some quality bonding/angry glaring/questioning time.

Soul could feel the heated stares of Liz and Patty on the back of his neck, well...mostly Liz as Patty was to busy molding a giraffe out of the popcorn.

Yawning he stretched his arms out and draped them round the shoulders of his 'secret' girlfriend (of sorts, they hadn't actually agreed to go out yet...). Maka's shoulders tensed and Soul smirked, using his other hand to grip hers, she squeaked slightly and Soul was relieved that the others were mostly to involved in the film to even bother to care.

He nuzzled his head into the crook of Maka's neck and quickly stole a kiss, the light's flicked on.

"...Soul?" the weapon blinked and looked to his other side to see a very confused Maka and with growing dread he turned back round to face his victim.

"Oh god..." Soul and Kid stared at each other for a grand total of 3 seconds before the scythe span around and promptly began slamming his head off the coffee table, Kid twitched.

"Actions not valid, searching for response...system reboot...processing...processing..." Patty giggled and poked her meister.

"We broke Kid!" Soul tried not to heave and Blair handed the tape to Black Star, Internet fame here they come...

X-x-X

But they finally came out of the closet to everyone about a day later. And I mean that literally.

Maka was walking down the hall, minding her own business when suddenly she was yanked by the arm into something hard. She tried to scream but a large warm hand clamped over her mouth.

She found herself in a scarcely illuminated janitorial closet with Soul. "What the hell?!"

"You're pissed at me again," he growled, "And it's so uncool not to tell me why."

"I don't have to tell you anything."

"Why the hell not?"

"You treat me like a friend." She turned away and crossed her arms over her chest.

He gave her a flat look, "how the hell can what we do be construed as friendship?"

"Since we're freaking friends with benefits!"

This time his face morphed into a cross between wanting to vomit and a seizure. "We are?"

"Apparently!"

"As far as I'm concerned, no!"

"As far as you've shown, yes!"

"FINE! Will you go out with me?!" He backed her against the wall.

"FINE!" she shouted in his face.

"FINE!" They're noses touched.

"...."

The cupboard door opened with a loud bang. "Hot damn, can I join?"

**A/N 2.3: **And that concludes part 1 of 4 of the Wise Stay Single! Oh the wonders of insanity.

By this point I'd make a 'Nanny' reference but I'm full of Cold and Sinus Tylenol so I'm exhausted.

We love you guys!

-Sierra


	2. Shenanigans and Canoodling

**Title: **The Wise Stay Single.  
**Chapter 2**: Shenanigans and Canoodling  
**Pairings: **Soul/Maka, Evangeline/Tranquilizers, BlackStar/Blair, Pippin/Wes (:O How'd that get in there?!) etc.  
**Warning(s): **Total insanity, mentions of prescription drug use, swearing, and material that may be offensive to some users or used as blackmail.  
**Note: **Sierra here (Now Fiercest), welcome to the total lack of actual consistency that is TWSS. Be very afraid.

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Soul had never been more terrified in his life, nothing – not even a naked Black Star at 3am, was more horrific than what he was experiencing right now.

"…is this true?"

Soul had now tensed up so far that if a pin dropped he'd probably explode out his seat in confetti filled paranoia.

"Yes." Maka, he'd never been so happy to hear her voice in his entire life… "we've been seeing each other for a while n-"

"Well…well I won't accept this!"

"Papa!" previously mentioned meister whined.

"I'm having none of these…shenanigans!"

"Shenani-what?" Black Star muttered.

"I DONT WANT YOU CANOODLING WITH THAT BOY!"

"Canoodle-what now?"

"How on earth did you all get in here!?" Maka growled, only just noticing the sudden mass of _outsiders _appearing in her living room.

"Don't worry Maka I'll pay for the window!" the assassin went on, bursting into hysterical laughter, he wouldn't miss this for the world – Spirit was trying not to have aneurysm.

"I-I won't allow this! I'm…you're grounded!" Maka scoffed, Kid set about doing his job as a one man cleaning squad. Where he materialized that feather duster from Soul would rather not know…

"I don't even live with you Papa!"

"Settle down tiny-tits," Soul muttered affectionately, tugging on the others skirt and pretending he wasn't as highly strung as a slinky…

"Tiny…what?"

"Oh boy he's done it now…" Liz muttered, Patti joined Black Star in the random hysterics department.

"My daughter has lovely assets!" Spirit exploded; several neighbours cricked their necks with the amount of double-takes they performed.

"I. Um. Spirit-"

"You boys all think Maka's attractive don't you?!" Soul cast a murderous glance at his 'friends', Maka wondered how quickly she could smother her father to death…

"Well-"

"Hands up who'd sleep with Maka!"

There was a deadly pause.

"…put your hand down Black Star."

X-x-X

Makaslouchedlower and lower in her seat, almost collapsing to the floor before Soul gave her a look that hovered between a great need to laugh and another not so innocent reaction... She looked down to realise he was staring down her shirt.

Immediately she ricocheted back up like a springboard, stiff and ramrod straight, blushing ten shades of red and one that she's pretty sure wasn't invented yet. "That's going to take some getting used to."

"Really? I'm settling into these habits quite nicely." he joked.

"Of course you are." she rolled her eyes, too antsy to come up with anything snappy and clever.

She pushed up the white plastic shielding the window and stared out into the clouds contemplating what horrible fate awaited her.

Why Soul thought it was a good idea to do the whole traditional 'meet the family' shtick she'd never know-Alright, so she knew it was vengeance for making him tell Spirit but still! He would have found out sooner or later, more likely sooner with the rare pieces of gossip that floated around Shibusen.

And really, staying the weekend was just mean on his part.

So really he should have expected her 27 attempts to hightail it out of there and her list of a million excuses. ("I...I think I'm coming down with something!" "It's too soon!" "Papa will kill you if we're not back...Now!" "They're not gonna like me." "I'll kill you Soul!")

Finally he caught her round the waist and carried her caveman-style to the front door of his god-damned mansion.

"You're a pig."

"A pig who's got the upper hand at the moment."

"An upper hand that isn't coming near me anytime soon after this."

She'd doesn't think she's ever seen him move that fast.

"SOUL!"

Well...Now she has.

X-x-X

"Soul...how big is your house?!"

"Well this one is round about the size of-"

"Whoa, wait a minute..._this one?" _Soul shuffled awkwardly for a few seconds, before spying something out the corner of his eye.

"WES!" an older version of Soul, for some reason carrying a large amount of flour, turned and gave his mini-me a rather curious glance.

"Soul...you didn't say you were coming to-"

"Wes! My beloved brother, my sibling of ultimate wisdom, the epitome of cool and handsome and-"

"How much money do you need?" Soul laughed a little too loudly, slapping the man named Wes round the back almost painfully hard - Maka giggled, accidentally revealing her presence.

"Wes, this is Maka!" Soul turned proudly, the poor girl unsure whether she should curtsy or not.

"Is this the meister you forgot to tell us about so mother had to hire the secret services to track you down?"

"..."

"Isn't my brother hilarious?" Soul tried for weakly, Maka's eyes nearly fell out her skull.

"You have a _brother?!" _Now it was Wes' turn to look put out.

"You never mentioned me?" He whimpered, generating a rather 'kicked puppy' facial expression, "after all that amazing advice I gave you?"

"You told me to put dad's cell phone in the lake...with him holding onto it."

"I meant the other amazing advice!" Maka sighed, giving the now locked door a mournful glance.

71 hours, 32 minutes and 15 seconds to go...

A moment after checking her cereal box plastic digimon watch to calculate just how much of this shear torture she'd have to take, she found herself suffocating of something crushing her ribs cage and cutting off her air supply. If she didn't know any better she'd think Medusa was still alive and crushing her with her snakes.

A horrible sound rang in her ears at such high frequencies she was sure her ears were bleeding from whatever banshee was shrieking in her ears.

"Ma, let my girlfriend breathe please."

X-x-X

"Oh Souli-kins! Mama's missed you! Wes is so incredibly boring after a few years-"

"I'm right here ma."

"Don't talk back to your mother Soul."

"That's Wes dad."

"Of course it is Alfred, now go clean out the toilets." Maka attempted to subtly sneak away from the eccentric gathering but a steel like hand on her arm made that grand plan totally redundant.

"And you must be Maka!" said girl could only begin to form a responce before she was being smothered by cleavage that would rival Patti's, "Oh you're such a pretty thing, as expected from my only son!"

"What am I? The gardener?" Wes griped.

"Of course not Soul, Alfred here is the gardener - speaking of which has anyone seen my riffle?"

"-Oh we'll just have to go shopping together Maka! We can get our hair done and buy new clothes, OH! There is this lovely little dress shop we'll have to go to! And we'll definitely need to get a manicure-"

"What's wrong with _my _clothes?" Maka managed to gasp in the few seconds of freedom she managed to obtain. Soul put his head in his hands and remembered why he left this place originally.

"Oh look, you're as flat as a board dear!" Clearly Mrs. Evans had no sense of personal boundaries as she quite literally assaulted the unsuspecting meister, Wes flushed and attempted to hide behind his father and Soul was hitting his head off the wall, "Soul must not get much enjoyment out of-"

"_MA!"_ the weapon roared, "not cool!" Mrs. Evans lower lip began to tremble, Wes thwacked his sibling round the back of his head with a look that quite clearly said 'now you've gone and done it'.

"Bu-but I just wanted. I just wanted to take part!" Bawled the suddenly hysterical woman, who still had her hands on a shell shocked Maka's chest.

"There, there Mama," Wes began to coo, trying to hug his mother without touching Maka in the slightest - which worked about as well as Kid hugging a mismatched rubix cube.

"MY BABY DOESN'T LOVE ME!"

"I love you ma-" Soul attempted but was silenced by another piercing wail.

"Turn off that stereo Soul," Mr. Evans absentmindedly mumbled on his way back up the stairs, muttering about kid's and their rap music as he went.

"WHERE DID I GO WRONG?!"

"Ma, I didn't mean to-"

"WES IS DEAD AND SOUL HATES ME! Oh god had forsaken me!"

"Mama, I'm right here."

"I can hear my babies voice, Soul you have driven me insane! Oh why don't you love me Souly-kins! It's the piano thing isn't it? You hate the piano! We can burn it if you want! Yes! Let's go burn the piano-" And with that Mrs. Evans ran out the main lobby, brandishing a box of matches and a grudge against her second child's musical instrument.

"...I'll go get the tranquilizers..." Wes sighed before a loud crashing noise caused him to dash off after his parent.

Maka blinked.

_"Ma! The keys don't bend that way!"_

"...So..." Soul began, kicking an imaginary ball of dust and looking anywhere but his meister's face.

"...she's..."

"Insane I know, sorry about that," he winced slightly as the sound of his mother's wailing picked up once more.

"She's like Papa on steroids." She managed to breathe out.

"Heh," both weapon and meister stared at each other for a few seconds before bursting out laughing.

_"MA! Where'd you find a flamethrower!? SOUL! HELP!"_

"You know...This makes me wonder how the two of you turned out the slightest bit normal." the poor girl commented.

All three occupants of the foyer snapped their attention to her in an instant. Evangeline- the mother of the family- blinked, before preceding to chomp down on Wes' fingers in an attempt to dislodge the tranquilizers. Wes fell backwards, and rolled around on the floor, laughing his head off (which was quite a feet with his mother's teeth still clamped onto his flesh), shrieking, "Normal! HAHA! She thinks we're _normal_!"

Not realising how stupid her comment was Soul gave her a flat look before enlightening her, "My father is quite possibly deranged and hallucinates that he's Superman who's secret identity is Bruce Wayne, my mother has not only ADHD but is constantly hopped up on sugar and who knows what else, my brother's an emo violinist who bakes cakes covered in flowers and let's not even get started on _my_ problems. How the _hell_ are any of us _normal_?!"

"Well..." she blinked dubiously, "You're a family. And you love each other anyway right?"

Soul sighed and wrapped an arm around her shoulder before dropping a kiss into her hair. "You are such a dork." He led her out the door and up the stairs.

_"Mama, you put down the camera and step away from the chainsaw!"_

_"BUT SOUL DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY PIANO ANYMORE!"_

And that ladies and gentlemen is how moments are ruined.

X-x-X

"Well...how does it look Baby-boy?"

"Don't call me that! Ahem, Well, the perimeter is top notch secure-"

"AH! You need to use my codename! We're doing this properly after all!"

"...I refuse..."

"Come on baby-boy! It's all part of the fun!"

"He won't shut up until you do Ki-I mean baby-boy...god that sounds wrong..."

"Kid's a BABY! BABY!"

"Patti! Ssh! Do you want them to hear us?"

"...fine...I'll say the stupid codename! Then can we get on with this?!"

"Do it properly!"

"...this is...B_aby-Boy, _god who came up with these?!"

"Black Star."

"Oh yes. Anyway...Baby-boy calling...do I have to?!"

"YES!" Several guards stared at the tree that was apparently having a deep, psychological battle...they'd seen stranger things.

"This is baby-boy calling..."

"I didn't catch that?"

"..."

"Sorry what?"

"SEX GOD! You're a SEX-GOD!? HAPPY?"

"...Oh yeah. Pay up Tsubaki." There was the unmistakable sound of someone forking over money before a deadly silence griped the tree once more.

"Maka better be happy to see us..." griped Liz as she attempted to stop the mortified death god from strangling himself with a leaf.

"Of course! She's got to be bored out her mind! Stuck with boring old Soul instead of the sexy me! Yeah, you're never living this down Kid."

"GO DIE!"

"So how are we breaking in?"

"Oh I didn't plan past sitting in this tree," Black Star quipped, bursting into hysterical laughter - which was very, very impressive judging from the homicidal way Kid was currently staring at him. Liz sighed.

"Looks like we're doing this the old fashioned way..."

Maka smiled as she and Soul danced round the only room his insane mother hadn't demolished, oblivious to the gaggle of idiots sat in their shrubs plotting the gate crash of the century...

Oh boy.

_Ding Dong..._

"Hi there Mrs. Evans! I am the great BlackStar, a friend of Soul's and these are my loyal followers!"

Now that type of genius takes real talent.

X-x-X

"It's so nice to meet friends of my Souli-kins!" BlackStar tried and failed at not laughing at the name. It was a valiant effort though. "I'll just go tell him and Maka-chan than you're here!"

"No!" protested BlackStar, suddenly coming up with a very evil and very intelligent (gasp!) plan. "We'll surprise him. What room?"

"Up the stairs down the hall on the right side, make a left, four doors later make a right, take the upside down service stairs and its 2 doors diagonaly." She grinned manically.

... "What?"

X-x-X

Soul sat bolt upright, brows furrowed in fear and confusion.

"Neh...Soul, what is it?" Maka mumbled, sitting up next to him. (Get your minds out the gutters!)

"Maka..." She didn't like the quiver of fear in his tone.

"Soul, you're scaring me! What is it?!"

"My spidey senses are tingling."

"What is it?"

"We forgot to kill our friends."

And with that, the walls fell down on top of them.

**A/N: **...what have we done? o.O


	3. Of Cream Puffs and Cotton Swabs

**Title: **The Wise Stay Single  
**Chapter 3: **Of Cream Puffs and Cotton Swabs.  
**Authors:**Pip and Fiercy!  
**Pairings: **SoulMaka, VincentSoulMaka, KidBlackStar, WesBlair, MamaEvansFlamethrower and FierceWesPip (You'll have to fight me for him. Groar.)  
**Warning(s):** Gratuitous use of drugs, sex jokes, questionable sexuality, nudity and content that may not be safe for people with more than sane brains.  
**Note:** All I have to say is....WOW.

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_"KID!" _

_"WHAT?!!" shrieked the terrified death god, leaping backwards from the window that Black Star had just smashed through, never mind that he was on the 3rd floor..._

_"Why on earth are you in a towel?"_

_"Because it's my BATHROOM and I'm trying to SHOWER!" the now furious boy went on, looking ready to rip that bemused look right off the assassins face with a sponge._

_"Oh good so you aren't busy then?"_

Think of Happy places Kid, happy places…remember what the 15 therapists all said…

_"Of course not," Kid's right eye began to develop a twitch, "in fact I always ask people to dive head first through my bathroom window whilst I'm naked and then sit them down, offer them tea whilst I re-enact Swan Lake in Patti's underwear…backwards!" _

_"…and you wonder why Noah didn't leave you alo-"_

_"_GET_. **OUT!" **Black Star didn't have a very strong sense of tact or perception into other people's feelings but something told him that Kid was slightly unhappy this evening…_

_With single minded determination Black Star found himself performing the single most daring manoeuvre ever performed within Shibusen walls, in fact it went down in the Guinness book of world records it was so impressive._

_"…nnngrhh…"_

_"Oi Kid I didn't know you could turn that colour of blue! You match my hair!"_

_"…BlackStar…"_

_"Yes sweetie?"_

_"What are you doing?" Kid went on conversationally, BlackStar grinned as he continued to squeeze the life (no pun intended) out of the future god of the world._

_"Well Kid, some people might call this a hug…" Kid logged that fact away for later, "I call it black mail! Smile for the camera Kiddiwinkles!" and with stealth beyond her level Blair leaped out from behind the shower curtain and promptly began snapping as many shots as she could._

"And that," Kid went on as Maka continued to strangle him with her left sock, reminding himself to repress that memory as quickly as he could "is why we're here!"

"...How does any of that make sense?"

X-x-X

"Mom, Dad, Wes, Moron, Asshole, ditzs 1, 2 and 3...and Tsubaki." Soul muttered in a dead voice. "Nosy, uncool jackasses, Evangeline, Richard and Wes."

"Can I call you Dick?"

"Sure," his father whispered conspiratorially, "but my secret identity is really Spiderman."

X-x-X

"A party?"

"Yes dear Souli-kins! Don't be daft, what else were we supposed to do on a Wednesday night?"

"It's monday Ma."

"What's your point?"

"Never mind." he face palmed.

But the poor little billionaire boy was completely ignored for his mother forgo-ed the chance to bond with her baby in favor of getting the scoop from Maka in the most devious way imaginable: dress shopping.

Six hours later Maka found herself wearing a poofy white wedding dress with sleeved the size of her head being simultaneously clawed at by a woman holding a veil and Mama Evans trying to stuff her bra.

After all this the deranged woman stepped back and admired her handiwork. "Hmmm...Still too subtle."

"I...I miss Papa..."

X-x-X

"So...what exactly are you?" Kid glanced up from the ruined asymmetry of the piano long enough to give the elder man a bemused glance.

"I'm death's son, I see dead people." Richard 'Dick' Evans snorted.

"Uhuh and I'm a Wonder Woman." Kid smirked, partly because he enjoyed being right over adults but mostly because ten minutes ago the man had been brandishing a lasso looking for his Amazonian girdle.

"When I snap, you'll be the first to die."

"I thought I was the first?"

"Oh no, you die _before _I snap Black Star."

"YOSH! Still first on the hitlist!" Wes sighed and gave his miserable younger brother a comforting pat on the head.

"It could be worse..." he tried for weakly.

"Go back a cake _Wesley_."

"I thought we agreed never to mention that with company!!"

"Well it's not like you try very hard to hide it!"

"I have _some_ masculinity to maintain!"

"I believe you're very masculin Wes-san!" Blair pounced on him, inducing a nosebleed triggered coma.

X-x-X

Finally after about two grueling hours spent attempting to keep his poor brain from having a meltdown Soul was basically doing shots of red Kool-aid.

"You do know that that's not alchohol right?" Kid pointed out.

"Leave me in my delusions."

"Fine, so I'll just tell Maka that you're busy and to go dance with one of those _other_ stuck up rich bastard scythes."

"She will do no such thing!" Surprisingly it wasn't Soul who said this. It was Wes.

"My little brother is _not_ going to blow it with my maybe-one-day-sister-in-law. God he's insufferable as it is! And she's relatively _normal_!" he grabbed his brother by the collar of his shirt, "Don't you dare blow this for me!"

Soul was left rather stunned, drink dripping onto the pristine carpet. Kid began giggling to himself and Tsubaki attempted to get Black Star down from the curtains.

"...Wes...are you actually...actually getting _angry_ with me?!"

"Just because Shibusen breeds people with emotional constipation Soul Eater Evans does not mean you're going to blow it with the girl who could actually make mother take her attention off me for ten minutes!" Soul frowned slightly, "Do it for _**ME**_!"

"So noble, aren't you brother?"

"Hey, you got lucky...I've had to endure 21 years of their undivided attention..." Wes burst into a fit of hysterical giggles before slapping himself round the face with Soul's drink. "Ok. You know what to do Soul."

"I do?"

"Yes. You go out there and lie your ass off about our family being normal whilst I go hide in this closet," and with that Wes pranced away, humming 'patty-cake' under his breath.

Liz sighed, "it's a good thing both of you are so pretty Soul," she finished filing her nails, "or else things would be _really _tough for the pair of you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just go shmooze Maka or something."

"Did everybody know Maka and I were getting together before we did?!" Soul growled, flinging his arms skyward.

"I didn't!"

"Shut up Kid, you didn't realize your father was trying to marry you off before the fiancees started climbing in through your window whilst you were sleeping."

"Oh...I thought they were just being friendly..."

"And that Kid...is why you get kidnapped and the rest of us don't."

"That should teach him not to talk to strange pedophiles with big books."

"SHUT UP BLACKSTAR!"

X-x-X

"Hi."

"Hi," she glared at her boyfriend.

Her glare intensified when his expression contorted and a weird snorting sound came from his mouth. "Ugh, go ahead."

"AHAAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You like like a cross between a cotton swab that collided with a cream puff!"

She blushed crimson, "Oh shut up."

He wrapped an arm around her waist and ushered her towards the door, still snorting. "What did Ma do to you?"

"It started out as an over-sized wedding dress and after three hours of being strangled by ribbons, lace, frills and the occasional string of pearls it became this intricate contraption your mother calls a dress."

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"

X-x-X

Who the hell uses a ball and chain anymore? _Really_. It's not like he was planning on skipping out on the party, running upstairs to get their stuff and run for the nearest airport! That was just them being paranoid.

Maka sighed beside him and gathered her own ball weight into her hands and began to walk across the room easily, "I'm going to get a drink," she called behind her without looking. Damn scythe training she could at least move the damn thing, _he_ was stuck to the floor.

"Hey there hot stuff." a sultry voice murmured in his ear.

"Hi," he spared a quick glance at the owner of the voice before returning to scouring the room for Maka or any of his other friends who's murders he was planing.

"Why don't you and I find a quiet place to talk."

"I would but I'm a little tied down." he said, still not looking at the feminine voice.

"Oh, girlfriend? Boyfriend? Wife?"

"Uwah!? I am not gay! So not cool!" Soul protested looking at his apparent assaulter for the first time.

It was a man in his early twenties with perfectly gelled dyed blond hair. "Just come out of the closet honey and everyone will be a lot happier."

"Hey Soul, I took pity on you and got you some salmon." Maka handed him a plate. "Who's your friend?"

"Better question," the stranger drawled, "Who's the cream puff?"

Maka crushed the glass she had been holding with her hand and Soul wondered how fast he would be able to gnaw his own leg off.

"_Soul," _the already seething meister went on, "why don't you go ahead and introduce me."

"Oh this is-"

"Maka Albarn, demon hunter wielder, death scythe technician, PHD in heroism, girlfriend of Soul Eater Evans, I killed the demon god with one hand." Soul tried to smile but it turned into a horrific grimace.

"Oh...sorry never heard of you Kiki-"

"_Maka!_"

"Whatever," drawled the stranger, throwing an arm around the comatose Soul and smiling at the now steaming Maka, "could you give us some privacy?"

_Isn't this the sort of thing that happens to Kid?! _Soul thought desperately, giving the stranger a horrified gawp.

"I-I-Erm...I'm flattered really..." he tried for, leaning so far back he was nearly at a 90 degree angle away from the mad-man who seemed to have no value for personal boundaries, "but I love Maka here and-"

"What does that macho, pastry like mommy's girl have that I don't huh?!"

"_Macho?!" _Maka spat indignantly, "Now you listen here you son of a-"

"Tch jealous that I can give Soul something you can't ey tiny-tits?"

"Only Soul is allowed to call me that!"

_"Help me..." _the poor weapon managed to mumble around the vice like grip his stalker currently had on him.

"Who the hell are you anyway?!"

"Vincent de Kamelot, the 4th, voted best looking _trillionaire_for the seventh year running. And I have great hair..." He sighed dramatically, his hair flopping with his constant posing, "being so sexy is a curse sometimes..." Maka turned and looked around the room for BlackStar.

She may have just found his soul mate.

"This is a private party asshole, how on earth did you-"

"Well Mimi-"

"MAKA!"

"Still a dreadful name, ahem - I am actually a dear friend of Dick and was invited to...how did Evangeline phrase it..." he put up one hand for making speech marks, the other still snaked round a currently foaming at the mouth Soul, "See the glorious first life of two beautiful people bloom. Unfortunately. Soul is the only beautiful one here...so I'll have to make sure the invites didn't lie..." and with that he leant down and pressed his lips to a horrified Soul's.

Maka was pretty certain that she and Soul had had a simultaneous mental meltdown.

"Wesley Dick Evans!! YOU HAD BETTER NOT HAVE HAD A HAND IN THIS!" Soul, recovered quickly and swung around to grab his brother by the collar.

"Maybely...I needed some attention off me for a bit. That okay with you? Ma should be crying that her baby is a homosexual for the next few days."

"BUT IT'S NOT TRUE!"

"So?"

"WESLEY!! FIX THIS!"

"As you wish dear brother." next thing Soul knew his girlfriend was being led away by his big brother and Vincent was doing this weird slobbery thing with his tongue on his neck.

"Eeeeeewww!" He cried, shoving him into a punch bowl, screaming like a little girl and running for the hills. "Bad touch!"

X-x-X

"Good bye."

"Leaving so soon Souli-kins?" Mama Evans pouted.

"We stayed two weeks." _of hell._ He added in his head.

"So?"

"We were only supposed to stay the weekend but we were too scared of your flame thrower."

"Good bye Alfred! You too Barbara." Dick said gruffly hugging them both closely and shedding only 2.5 tears in that super sexy macho superhero way Bruce Wayne always does.

"See ya dad."

"No Soul! Don't leave me alone with them again!" Wes sobbed into his chest desperately.

"_Good bye_Wes." His brother replied, extricating him from his favorite jacket. "Oi BlackStar, Kid, everybody, let's hit the road. Get out of my bushes Kid no matter how many times you trim them they aren't staying symmetrical!"

"Bye Mama Evans!" BlackStar called, "Your homemade mints were awesome!"

"Come back anytime to visit dear!"

"BlackStar....My mom doesn't cook."

"That's funny 'cause your mom gave me some mints that tasted pretty good but they kind of looked like- zzzzzzzz."

Kid, who he had collapsed on gave them all a bemused look. "I really hate him you know."

"Huh...must have been her tranquilizers."

_"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE ME WITH YOU!"_

"That was fu-un Soulikins!" Patti sang, spinning on her heal, "your Momma's awesome! Can we come again soon?!"

_"I'LL BAKE YOU CAKES! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!" _

"Don't call me that. And no. I'm restraining myself from-... Maka...?" said meister took a second to admire her weapons wonderful attention span before continuing.

"Yes Soul?"

"Why on earth are you still dressed as a creampuff?"

**A/N: **the cake is a LIE Wes D:!


	4. That's it, He's Screwed

**Title: **The Wise Stay Single  
**Chapter: **Forget it, He's Screwed  
**Pairings: **Soul/Maka, Wes/Yumi, Wes/Blair, Kid/Star, Star/Blair, Wes/EdibleThong...etc.  
**Note: **Fiercy here! Signing in and telling all of you just how wonderful you are! Our chapters are getting longer and if we do say so ourselves a lot better! Enjoy!

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It began innocently enough, their little escapades turned to something more. Something slow, meaningful and fun. Their friendship, their intimate bond that no one else could match just seemed to morph and change beyond repair but not beyond recognition, into something so very different and yet so very much the same.

They knew each others souls just as they knew their own and that was something that no one- not even themselves could take from them.

So even though it wasn't premeditated it wasn't unprecedented either.

Even so change is something that befalls Shibusen often. Just usually not in a good way.

Obviously their friends had decided to stick their noses where they don't belong and make a very very unhappy scythe even less happy with them when they decided to take it upon themselves to throw them a surprise anniversary...

After _he_ forgot all about it.

"What do you mean anniversary?!" Black Star sighed and patted his old friend patronisingly on the head, Soul resisted the urge to stab him.

"You know, a celebration of your lack of fun! A tribute to how you're now _whipped_, a ceremony of-"

"I know," Soul hissed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers, "what it means Black Star. I meant how on earth it could possibly be right now! Maka hasn't said anything!"

"Girls never do." Kid said wisely from the sofa.

"Oh? You'd know wouldn't you Kid, being as straight as a melon!" Kid nearly inhaled the cup he was drinking from, spitting hot tea all over the screaming Black Star.

"OW! My pants! MY PANTS ARE BURNING!"

Soul smirked, internally celebrating his little victory but one glance at the hideous 'Toads of the World' calender reminded him of his impending doom.

"Hey Kid...can I borrow your wallet?"

_Meanwhile, somewhere on the outskirts of Death City..._

A strange figure dragged himself closer and closer to the city limits, his feet scuffing the ground as he went, his immaculate self dirt free and yet he seemed like the most exhausted and unappreciated hobo of all time.

"Hi." he said, looking up at the first person he'd seen in what seemed like weeks.

"...Hello...Can I help you?" The glasses wearing woman quirked an eyebrow at the odd man.

He rocked back on his heels, pushing back the messy white hair in the process and whistled awkwardly. "I'm looking for..." suddenly aware that he was in the closest thing to a military facility Nevada had and in a place he probably wasn't legally allowed to go to he lied. "The Road."

"Which road?"

"Um..." he stalled, "The short one!"

"Being a little more specific might help." the woman looked up at him through he bangs like he was an extra terrestrial, examining the blue eyed, white haired man.

"Life." Sure, let's go with that.

"Excuse me?"

"Life. I'm lost on the road of life." he panicked unnecessarily, "It's short...ish and stuff."

"Right...Either that was a really bad attempt at a line or you're going to need to take a trip down 'The Road' to the hospital with me." Yumi nodded at his ruffled appearance.

The man- who was none other than the wonderful world reknowned violinist/undercover cake baker Wesley Richard Evans- realised than that he sort of resembled an ex con.

"Um, the first one?"

"Well then," SMACK! "Good day."

Hows that for an onomatopoeia?

X-x-X

"How about this?"

"No."

"This?"

"Yeah. Maybe pigs will start flying too."

"This one?"

"Tch. Are you taking this seriously Soul?"

"Kid, I'm picking out which pack of mints I want. It's not rocket science." The death god's eyes narrowed dangerously, Soul gulped and took a step back bumping into a smirking Black Star.

"What do you want?" Kid griped, Black Star then held up a ball of fluff in a hat and beamed as if he was a small child who'd just eaten a bug and liked it.

"Gentlemen. I present, our shopping partner." If cat's could look like evil masterminds, Blair had it down to an art form.

"So nya," the little kitty piped up, "How revealing do you want your lingerie and if you're into dominatrix we're going to be onto a whole new-Kid could you please pick Soul off the floor, he's bleeding on the carpet."

"You think he's alright?"

"He's a teenaged boy Kid-kun, what do you think? Oh wait...never mind you wouldn't know."

"Ooooh burn!"

X-x-X

"I hate you all. You can burn in hell and you better hide this shit quick before Mak- Wes?" Soul blinked stupidly, finding his older brother standing in the middle of his and Maka's living room.

Blair, Kid and BlackStar all popped their heads into the room behind him.

"Nya Soul, who's the hottie?"

Ignoring her totally innapropriate, beastialic and possibly pedophilic (you never know how old those tricky magic cats are) comment he gaped at the man. "Why are you hear?"

"Is that any way to treat your wonderful and totally awesome big brother?"

"Totally...?"

"I came all the way here to see you!"

Soul sighed, "What did mom do this time?"

"She thought she was King Kong, scaled the bannister to swing on the chandelier, threw model airplanes around and called me Anne."

"Well that's not so-" BlackStar tried to reason.

"She made me dress up in that whine dress she always wears with that uncomfortable breeze."

"But-"

"With makeup."

"I-"

"And she attempted plastic surgery in my sleep but the paperwork didn't go through."

"..."

"My dad's death?"

There was a collective sigh.

"Wes, if you had a girlfriend what would you buy her?"

"_If _I had a girlfriend?" Wes felt a his eyebrow twitch in annoyance, he prefered it when he had Maka around to buffer his brother's relentless sarcasm.

"Well...I've never seen you with one..."

"Hey! I am not like Monsieur stripy and Star man over there!" Kid looked bewildered and Black Star began mouthing the words 'Star man' under his breath as if it was some sort of illness.

"Well I don't know Wes...the fairy cakes? The dress? The...violin..." Soul winced on the last one, Wes looked infuriated.

"Violins are macho!"

"..."

"Should I just go buy some rainbow pants now, or wait for Kid's stalkers to try abducting me?" Wes mumbled reluctantly.

"Don't worry, I've got some porn stashed somewhere." Soul admitted, Black Star gaped at him like he'd just sprouted wings and proclaimed his divine background and Kid was still looking as if he'd just been kicked in the chest.

"Oh happy anniversary by the way!" Wes grinned in what was meant to be a reassuring way but Soul just collapsed into the sofa and groaned.

"I'll prove you aren't gay Wes-sama!" and with that Blair pounced on the unsuspecting Evans.

"Lucky bastard..." Black Star muttered.

"Monsieur stripy...?"

X-x-X

"So basically we have it narrowed down to a spa day, jewelry, lingerie (which I doubt she'll like by the way, some shit about being objectified) books and there's always your left nut if you've still got any."

"You're hilarious Wes."

"Oh...I was being serious."

"None of that seems...I don't know..._special." _Soul ran an irritated hand through his hair and Wes tried to get the lipstick off his face.

"Special? Sexy, edible underwear is special!"

"Shut up Black Star!" Wes and Soul yelped at the same time, sporting identical nose bleeds. It was a wonder neither of them were anemic.

"How about, you take her on a romantic date. You know, go swimming in a lake with your clothes on, dance in the rain, sprout poetry at random intervals, hold her off the front of a boat..." Kid announced suddenly before noticing the others sudden gawking in his direction, "wh...what?" he stammered weakly, hiding behind a pillow.

"...why in the nine hells did we not think of that?!"

"I still vote for whips and handcuffs."

"Yeah. You and Kid have fun there."

The horrified screams of terror echoed round Shibusen for years to come.

X-x-X

Maka was pouring over revision when Soul appeared behind her and began massaging her neck and upper back.

"Uuun," she moaned, "You have no idea how good that feels." She sighed quietly, closing her book and leaning into his touch, "Have I ever told you that you have magic fingers?" He opened his mouth, a smart, sarcastic and no doubt NC-17 comment on the tip of his tongue, "_Don't_ say it."

He rolled his eyes and kissed her shoulder. "We're going out tomorrow night."

"_Ain_. Wrong. I didn't hear a question, please feel free to try again later."

"Maka!" he growled, wheeling her around in her swivel chair (of doom) and pressing his forehead to hers. "Would you like to come out with me tomorrow night before the party?"

"...why?" She raised her eyebrow in suspicion and Soul rolled his eyes.

"Because I'm going to stab you and throw you in a ditch. Why on earth do you think you un-cool freak." Maka huffed and punched him on the arm.

"That is no way to go about winning a womans heart _Solomon_ Eater Evans."

"I love it when you say my full name like-" A very thick encylopedia was promptly brought down with shattering speed onto his fragile cranium. "...ow."

"You've been hanging around with the boys too much," she growled, "what next? Reordering my CD collection whilst proclaiming what a god like being you are?"

"Well...you're CD's were a mess-"

"SOUL!"

"I'm kidding! So, pick you up at seven?" Maka rolled her eyes and spun back round to her desk, Soul began to massage her shoulders once more, failing to keep an idiotic grin off his face.

"We live in the same house Soul..." Maka mumbled, arching her back and wincing as several bones cracked.

"And you know what...we also share the same bed."

"So-mmph!"

And he naively thought things were starting to look up.

X-x-X

Really, considering their past history he should have foreseen it. But in all fairness he was a little busy worrying about being cock blocked for the rest of forever. That and Maka's tongue was doing something especially wonderful to his ear but details.

They were sitting, her tucked into his side. On a picnic blanket. A _picnic blanket_ for cripes sakes. Under a tree in the middle of the park. He didn't think it got any more cliche.

But she was smiling sweetly and serenely in a way he hadn't seen in a while, her hair was glowing palely in the soft light of the quarter moon and the electric lantern he'd brought out. Her bottle green eyes were alight with happiness and he didn't think he'd ever seen he look more beautiful than in that moment before their lips deigned to touch.

He was about to say something totally sweet, sappy and no doubt reputation ruining when a loud yip made them both jump out of their skins, knocking noses.

"I'll kill him."

"It was your turn last time. Let me take a crack at him."

"But you always go easy on him."

"What?! No I don't!" Maka was about to tell Soul _exactly _what she thought of that reply when a naked Blair suddenly exploded from a nearby hedge, followed swiftly by a crimson Wes, Kid and Black Star.

"...Hi Maka, Soul! Fancy seeing you guys here!"

"Black Star why aren't you wearing any shoes?" the assassin scoffed, launching into a huge explanation revolving around a roast dinner, rock concert and his godly hair style. Soul lost interest the minute the ninja opened his mouth.

Maka sighed and mournfully began packing up her picnic. Everything had been going so well!

"Wes do you guys have nothing better to do but stalk me?"

"Well we did have something to tell you but now I don't think I will." Wes smirked. It was the smirk Soul knew inside-out. It was the dreaded smirk that always formed whenever his older brother had gone and had one of his slightly more 'Evans' style moments and set fire to someones guinea pig with baking powder and a hatchet.

It was _never _a good smirk.

If evil had a smirk. It would be this one. Even Satan himself would admit it was rather sinister looking before backing away into a corner to protect his various rodent pets.

"What have you done Wes!" Soul exclaimed, cutting off the climax of BlackStar's tale mid reenactment.

"Me! I didn't do anything! Vincent de Kamelot the 4th however..."

Soul paled considerably, which was quite a feet since he was already chalk white.

"You mean...the trillionaire with the hair gel?" Wes smirked, a puppy died.

"Oh yes. Angel cake anyone?"

"Just tell us why you're here interrupting perhap the most normal date we've had well...ever only to keep on with this mindless _dribble_!"

"Nya, we brought your presents." Blair replied.

"Oh HELL NO-!"

"Why did you get me presents?"

Everyone either got whiplash or dislocated their necks as they snapped back from Soul to his partner. "Excuse me?"

Kid suddenly had the niggling feeling that they should have brought girls other than Blair along.

"I said why-"

"I know what you said." Soul said slowly, "I mean..." his head snapped up. "You forgot didn't you?" at her blank stare he smacked his forehead. "I freaked out over forgetting our anniversary only to have _you_ forget? _So not cool Maka_!"

"Soul...our anniversary was three months ago."

"Then-" he wheeled around towards the not quite cowering quartet that was his brother, pet and two best friends. "What exactly _are_ we celebrating?" he grit out.

"The...day the rest of us found out...?" Wes guessed, not actually being in on this particular plot but covering up for his fellow troublemakers and shenanigan creators anyway.

"Surprise...?" Kid offered lamely, Black Star frowned.

"Isn't ANYONE going to wear this god damn edible thong?!" Wes rolled his eyes and began muching on his pastry perfection, wondering why he even bothered trying to be a violinist anyway.

"...You bought me an _edible thong_?!" Soul's life flashed before his eyes, it was full of his mother dressed up as Darth Vader beating Wes with a bagette, he took a nervous step back.

"Well actually Wes made i-"

"And a whip!" Blair chimed in, pulling the object in question out of thin air and giving a very meaningful glance to the oblivious Wes Evans.

"Don't forget the handcuffs!" Kid supplied, seeing Soul's glare he remembered that he left the candles burning and fled...in the opposite direction to his house.

"It was a joke...!" Soul's voice broke as Maka's glare turned into a laser, burning a hole through his forehead.

"You didn't even get me the boots to match you idiot!"

"It was all Black Stars idea...I'm sorry what?" Maka however was already next to Blair, fingering the handcuffs thoughtfully and giving her weapon a very cool and intimidating glance.

"Good luck little bro," Wes smirked, he and Black Star both gave a quick salute before bursting into hysterics and running the direction Kid fled.

"So..." Maka muttered, "about that whip..."

**Note: **Fiercest here signing off for us both today! We'd love your comments, critiques, ideas, guesses and/or requests.

We hope you enjoyed our nonsense.

-Fiercest & Pippin


	5. Propane and Body Glitter

**Title: **The Wise Stay Single  
**Chapter: **5: Boddy Glitter and Propane  
**Pairing(s): **Soul/Maka, Wes/Yumi, Blair/BlackStar, Tsubaki/BlackStar, Internalorgans/Kid.  
**Note: **Ah thank you thank you! *both take bows* yes we do come up with our own material. Epic isn't it? Yes we're not above self pride. This entertained us to write so we hope you love it too!

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It was raining; this automatically meant sudden doom in most animated corners of the world. Maka pondered this as she tapped her foot against the cold, concrete floor of Shibusen, pacing like a woman possessed.

Soul had been gone too long, far too long.

A dark corner of her mind began twisting, generating the worst possible scenarios. The mission could have been false, it was a trap, Medusa was alive, there was a second Kisshin, his mother had found the chainsaw…

All of it lead back to one thing, Soul.

She bit her lip, iron resolve steeling her gaze. Clenching her fists she reached for her coat, death scythe or not Soul was out without her and by god she wasn't going to let him suffer because of some male pride issue.

As if summoned by her thoughts the door swung inward, the glass panes shattering across the floor, streaks of rain flooding the entry way, Soul stumbled into the room with blood clawing at his clothes and pale skin.

Maka sucked in a breath and moved toward him, seeing the reason for so much red.

Kid was lying motionless in her weapons arms, the young death god a sickly green colour as more of the life giving fluid poured onto the formally clean floors.

Bleeding was so asymmetrical.

"What happened?" her voice was stronger than she felt; she went to her knee's beside the scythe in order to hide her trembling.

"We were attacked, I wasn't fast enough to help-" she placed a hand on Soul's shoulder, sensing the self blame and hatred in his tone and unstable soul.

"I'll do what I can, send for Dr. Stein." Soul pressed his lips into a tight line.

"Black Star is already on his way to the castle." With that reassurance in mind Maka gingerly reached down for the death god's jacket, prying the material away from his soaked flesh, a glint of gold suddenly caught her eye.

It couldn't be…but it was…

"Oh my god…"

"Maka..." Kid spluttered in practiced pain, making sure his furrowed brow was perfectly angular before continueing. "Will you...marry...S-AH!" he winced as Soul did something to his spleen. "Soul, stop it. my internal organs are extremely hard to re-grow."

Now convinced that he was going to be perfectly fine Maka sighed and smiled lightly at him. "Oh Kid. You know I would, but Soul's pretty adamant on the whole monogamy thing and I just couldn't budge him."

She flounced out of the room. "Is that a no?"

"I'll kill you."

X-x-X

"That was the worst idea any of us have ever had." Soul grumped.

"Well it was hardly romantic, and I've been against it since the very start." Kid proclaimed, all high and mighty.

"Hey!" BlackStar protested, "My plan was completely epic and awesome and foolproof until you mucked it up!"

"Well it was hardly foolproof if you came up with it."

"WHATS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!"

"Figure it out!"

"_So_ not helping." the poor white haired boy called over his two best friends. (Seriously with them around who needs enemies?)

"Well my lowly subject, what's _your_ idea?" The challenge was directed at Kid.

"Oh I thought you'd never ask!"

X-x-X

"This is ridiculous." Soul growled, batting the death god away with a cushion.

"No. It's romantic." Black Star began sniggering and Kid shot them both a furious look, "I have done my research ok! This is what girls think is sexy!"

"Body glitter?" the assassin burst into full hysterics and Kid made a swipe for the scythes legs.

"Yes! Body glitter is sexy!"

"How on earth would you know!"

"It said so in Scythe Girl Monthly." There was a deafening pause as the boys all gaped at him. Kid groaned in disbelief, "Oh shit."

"You _read _Scythe girl monthly?!" Soul half bellowed, half snorted. Black Star had passed out from lack of oxygen, "The teenaged girl magazine?!"

"No I don't! Liz does?!"

"Sure! I bet you've subscribed to them and everything!" Kid lunged for the scythe who jumped out the way, leaving a trail of shimmer as he went.

"Who reads scythe girl monthly?" Wes asked, poking his head round the doorway, groceries in his arms, he spotted his brother and sighed. "Soul why are you sparkling?"

"It's SEXY!" Kid practically snarled, Wes backed away into the corridor.

"Sure Kid...whatever you say..." Soul snorted.

"He's just upset that Liz stole the free mascara from the latest issue!"

"It was lip gloss actually!"

"Kid I'd drop the shovel now if I were you, you're digging yourself to China..."

X-x-X

"Alright," BlackStar cracked his knuckles and tried to put on a serious face (until Soul asked what he'd eaten that morning.) "Time to bring in reinforcements!"

"But we haven't done my idea yet."

"'Cause it sucks."

"It does not!"

"He's got a point," Kid said serupticiously. "It's too simple. It hardly takes any effort. We need someone on the inside."

"Which is why I brough in the greatest and most cooperative insight to the female psyche we've got!"

"Oooh big words coming from you."

"I used a dictionary." he cleared his throat. "Blair! Come on out!"

"Nya," the cat purred. "So what's this whole marriage thing again?"

And it was all epic fail from there on out.

X-x-X

Blair was worried, this was never a good sign. The only time a person like Blair got freaked out was either when four ex-boyfriends showed up at once or when something extremely bad was about to happen...

Take a guess which had just occured.

"Eh...Soul-kun, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Not now Blair," grunted the scythe, scrubbing the remains of Kid's 'plan' off his arms, she gnawed on her bottom lip.

"But Soul-kun it's really important!"

"I'll buy you some new underwear in a second ok."

"It's not that! Look!" She thrust her hand toward the boy who stumbled backwards onto the toilet, slipping off the surface to his knee's. He grabbed Blair's outstretched hand with a look of horror on his features.

"Soul have you seen-" the door slammed open and a horrified Maka stood on the other side, staring as her weapon held Blairs hand, a hand that had a rather sizable rock on its engagement finger, "You, you BASTARD!"

"Maka! It's not what it looks like!"

"She's wearing an engagement ring! You're on your knee's!" Blair sensed a disturbence in the force, most likely caused by herself.

"I'm not marrying Soul-kun! This ring is erm..." she looked round the house for inspiration, spying a swivelling office chair she beamed, "Steins!"

"...Stein?" Maka mumbled in awe.

"_Stein?!" _Soul hissed, tugging at the ring when his meister wasn't looking. It was stuck fast.

"Nya, he loves me!"

Somewhere in his labratory Stein sneezed, something told him his life was about to get a heck of a lot worse.

"I don't believe you."

"Um- I um... uh." her eyes widened as Soul glared at her over Maka's shoulder promising that many a nights free of catnip were ahead of her. "It's a cover! To mask my torrid love affair with....with Spirit!"

Maka's aura turned black, "I meant Justin Law!"

Somewhere the archbishop gave a little shudder.

"I give up."

X-x-X

"Guys...have you noticed something a little..._off _about Soul recently?" Liz and Patti gave her a very dry stare and Tsubaki giggled.

"Honestly Maka there's no use hiding the boy is trying to pro-" Tsubaki quickly clamped a hand across Liz's lips, beaming at the very confused Maka.

"Propane!" She squeaked, Maka raised an eyebrow, "he's trying to buy you propane! That's what Liz was going to say!"

"Why on earth would he do that?" They girls looked at each other, Patti laughed.

"To...make you love him more?" Maka admitted it was something Soul would do, she'd be more concerned if it was Wes buying the propane. He was, afterall, the one cooking their meals nowadays.

"I'm overreacting aren't I?"

"Don't worry, you two are cliched and made for one another!" Maka glared at the elder pistol.

"Gee thanks Liz." She growled, Liz ruffled her hair affectionately, "It's just...body glitter, stabbing Kid, Black Star in a coma from laughing to much...I just get the feeling they are planning something."

"Maka, try living with Kid for a few days. Then you will know paranoia."

"Well, he did ask me to marry him."

"WHAT?!"

X-x-X

"Maybe we should-"

"And then we could-"

"Oooh! Lets do that!"

"I brought cookies!"

"THAT'S IT, WE'RE DOING THIS MY WAY! Wait...how did you get in here?"

Wes blinked. "Ma gave me a copy of your key."

"How did Ma get a key?"

"It's Ma. It was probably some elaborate unnecessary and violent way that very likely involved feather boas."

"Whatever," He took a deep breath as if preparing for something horrific, probably stupid and dangerous to both his mental and physical well being. "Either way, I'm going in alone." Wes's snort of amusement didn't increase his confidence. "What is it now!?"

"Forgive me little brother but I do believe you need a little help from the love doctor." Soul glanced round the room.

"I don't see anyone of that description." Wes threw a cushion at his brother, who was by far too tired to even try to dodge.

"Listen you! If I can get Yumi to fancy me then I can get you and Maka together!" Soul raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"Braver men than you have tried Wes..."

"Braver men don't have my flair."

X-x-X

Soul had to concede that his brother was a miracle worker, how did the man manage to make their boring appartment into a romantic love nest, concoct the tastiest meal in all of the universe, make Blair stay clothed and keep his supposed friends under control? Wes should write a book about it...

"Now for dessert!" Patti practically squealed with joy and Black Star nearly knocked the table over with glee, Wes shot a meaningful glance at his sibling. Now was the time.

"I'll go get them," he announced, giving Maka a quick glance before setting off for the kitchen, making sure the plates of cake were all still correctly presented (He needed to stop hanging around Kid) before quickly burrying the ring in one slice and stepping outside, handing out the confections with a nervous smile.

"This is delicious Wes!" Maka praised, his brother was used to the praise and was also watching the girl with a curious expression. Where was the ring?

"ACK!" as if on cue Black Star suddenly began spluttering, clutching at his neck and turning the same shade as his hair.

"Black Star!" Tsubaki cried, leaping to her feet and scrabbling at the boys throat, Kid stared as the boy chocked on what appeared to be thin air and seemed to come to some form of a conclusion. He leaped across the table and tackled the poor weapon to the floor, no way in hell was he going to pass up this chance to get rid of a pain in the ass.

Blair was suddenly naked, Patti was eating the remaining slices of cake, Liz was screaming and Wes wandered off to make coffee. Soul sighed, looked like it was up to him again.

Grabbing the assassin he quickly performed the heimlich manouver, the ring sailing out the ninja's mouth and thwacking his meister across the forehead. Maka slumped into the remainder of her pudding, Tsubaki smashed a light off Kid's head and Wes held up a steaming pot.

"I love proposals...." he muttered in a forlorn manner just as Patti set fire to the curtains.

Next time, Soul mused, he'd do it _his _way.

X-x-X

The night was beautifully warm, not too dry and not too humid but the perfect temperature it is when everything seems to be going right.

That's what's worrying Soul. Everything **seems** to be right. If there was one thing his life as a scythe had taught him it was that **nothing** is as it seems. Especially when you think that that butter that they gave you at the table of Kelsey's was **not** in fact icecream.

He was going to go with normal. He was going to go with romantic and calm. He was going to have to get a restraining order on his friends to make that possible but what'cha gonna do?

Maka seemed to be nervous as well, watching him as if he were a particularly interesting firework that had yet to detonate. In all honesty that was exactly what he felt like.

Taking a deep breath he steeled his resolve and cast another glance at all the dark corners/pot plants/tubs of ice-cream where his 'friends' could be hiding. There was nothing. Perhaps god was in fact smiling on him...

"Maka," he spat out after much internal debate, "Well erm...the thing is...I..." he shot another glance round the parlour, not even a hint of a ninja, the chairs were scattered everywhere and yet Kid hadn't so much as attempted to blow the place skyward, "I just needed to let you know that...um...when I look back on our...Maka I-"

Did that statue move or was it just him?

X-x-X

Soul was about to go to cardiac arrest when the waitress (who's hair was purple. I mean seriously! Who else but magical beings with eight extra lives have purple hair anymore?!) tried to take their order.

Maka took his hand and really wondered, not for the first time why she was dating this loon. He'd remind her later of course but honestly lately he'd been a freak; which could mean one of three things according to the girls.

1: He was breaking up with her (Liz)

2: He wanted to move in together or take a step farther in their relationship (Tsubaki)

or 3: He was abducted by mutant girafe aliens and replaced with a clone. (Patti)

In all honesty Patti's theory wasn't looking so bad right about now.

She sighed and told the waitress they'd changed their mind, they were leaving then handed her a ten before skidadeling out of the fancy shmancy house of worship to foods so exotic that some wondered if it came from other planets.

She squeezed his hand gently as they walked outside which he hyperventilated when a cat meowed in an alleyway to their left. "Are you having an allergic reaction to the squid in the bread 'cause it looked kinda fishy to me."

He calmed a bit and smirked. "Funny."

"I try." She paused, "So are you going to tell me what's wrong with you or do I have to use force?"

"Force would be nice." his smirk didn't dissapear as he leant down for a kiss. Which she dodged. "Not cool."

"Tell me."

"There's nothing wrong."

"Tell me."

"No."

"Tell me."

"I don't think I will."

"HA! So there is something wrong!" she laughed triumphantly. Maka draped her arms around his neck and pecked his lips. "Really though, I know you'll end up telling me eventually."

"Eventually." he agreed, searching with his ears for the faintest 'Yahoo!' or complaint of asymmetry.

"So in the meantime." he thought he heard a 'nya', naturally his formerly pumping heart stopped completely. "Will you marry me?"

_Thump_.

"Soul? Soul!"

X-x-X

"So how'd it go?!" Wes asked eagerly, Soul shot him a glance dropped an icepack on his head without a word before slinking off to his room to drown in self pity, the resounding door slam echoing throughout death city "that badly huh?"

**A/N: **Not done yet folks! We've still got....at least two chapters to go! Thanks for all your wonderful reviews and support!

Also if you would like to nominate or enter the Fairy Cakes and Fiction Awards we're hosting, then come on down! We've got a whole slew of prizes!

Here's where you go:

www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/forum/The_Fairy_Cakes_and_Fiction_Awards_2009/59904/

Or PM us!


	6. Staggering Stripograms

**Title: **The Wise Stay Single  
**Chapter:**Staggering Strip-o-grams  
**Warning(s):** Drinking, allusions to prostitution, frivolous displays of protective violence (yes I am aware that that makes no sense) and... get this guys: An actual plot!  
**Pairings: **Tequila/Kid/Noah, BlackStar/PotPlant, Wes/RandomStripper, Maka/Whatever-remains-of-Soul's-Sanity, Tsubaki/WeddingList.  
**Note: **ZOMG two updates in one evening?! C'est possible!? Well duh, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this. Anyways, this is...odd. To say the least. I have no idea how we came about this idea but hey we're almost there! Wedding and honeymoon to go :D Hold onto your hats, death gods and sanity folks, do not stand up while the fanfic is in motion - and yes, you will get wet.

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Maka was shuffling a stack of test scores from her last class of the day absently when it happened.

She had been at her desk sitting in the dark empty classroom, lit only by her dimming desk lamp who's light bulb she hadn't gotten around to changing yet, the cast shadows of all the knickknacks and other assorted miscellaneous littering her desk in (thanks to Kid) perfectly aligned symmetrical order, onto the floor and desks closest to her.

The only preceding warning she had that something was amiss was a quiet, almost imperceptible click and the scraping of something metal being dragged across linoleum before she was pulled backwards from her chair and soundless darkness fell around her like water.

X-x-X

Soul was just turning off the propane fire of their stove and removing the frying pan of scrabbled egg when he heard a knock at his door. He refused to set the still hot pan down on the granite counter tops for fear of what Maka would do should it burn so he set it atop a pile of wedding magazines and frilly fabric books that Liz, Kid and Patti had systematically snuck in (Which really wasn't smart on his part).

He rolled his aching shoulders as he answered the door but before he could see who was behind the oak wood of his apartment something smashed over his head and he could have sworn he heard the sound of breaking glass before he knew no more.

X-x-X

The pair woke up side by side with restraints around their wrists and blindfolds over their eyes. Soul groaned while Maka grit her teeth against the pain throbbing in her temple.

"Oh good! You two are awake." A frighteningly familiar voice startled them, shouting above the light buzzing din of the confusion around them.

Suddenly the black cloths were removed and all the couple could see was blinding light and flashing colors.

"I'm not entirely sure this was legal BlackStar." a quiet voice that the still semi-blind recognised worried.

"Someone as big as me is above such small technicalities like the law! Yahoo!"

No sooner did their friend have their (possibly drugged) ears ringing did an enormous roar provoke what they suspected was blood to drip from their ears.

"CONGRATULATIONS!"

The shout reverberated off the marble floor of shibusen's great hall making the meister and death scythe cringe and twitch to the point that they both resembles deformed sourpusses.

"What's our strategy?" Maka demanded of her fiance (is it weird that she inwardly screamed at the notion?) panicked.

"Divide and conquer!" he declared quickly, attempting to hightail it to the darkest, least populated corner of the room. He knew full well that if he did so and made no sudden movements then they'd all go for the bride.

"Ooooh no you don't!" she shrieked Maka! Chopping him over the head and dragging him by the collar of his shirt into the hoard.

He could already tell that this was going to be a long night.

"Don't even think about it Mister. _You_ proposed to me!"

He made a face. "Well actually, for the record can I say that you proposed first. Which was seriously not cool by the way." he growled before continuing his shpiel about cool guys like him losing their rights or something of the sort.

"You were attempting it, the message is the same." Soul muttered something not at all suitable for a fully fledged sailor - let alone Maka - and internally curled up in a dark corner to die, leaving his raging tempest of a woman to deal with the equally powerful force of stupidity in large numbers - _alone. _

"You're so on the couch Evans."

X-x-X

Kid should have been born female. This was the decision Maka came to after having been in his company for well over what felt like 6 hours in a dress store. He was able to tell her size in a single glance, knew what would compliment her shape, knew what was in style - what wasn't - and what would just make _'any person with a IQ higher than BlackStar'_ curl up into a ball and die laughing.

He was also, Maka discovered, _ruthless. _

_"_No."

"Kid I haven't even put it on-"

_"No." _His golden eyes flashed with malice and the unshakable, unstoppable, undefeated Albarn quietly gave the dress back to the assistant and awaited her doom. Apparently her - the _bride's _- opinion was on the same level of values as handing out home-made cookies to Asura. Honestly, this was far from the sobby, tear-jerking moments that happened in the movies. Where was the moment of realisation?! Where was the old 'the first dress you put on is the _one?' _

With a huff Maka pushed one of the dresses Kid had got out for her onto the floor. Yeah. That would show him who was in-

"Try this." He handed her yet another lacy, frilly, vile, evil, monstrous, disgusting, sickening, twisted, embarrassing-

"Oh..." she stared in the mirror and someone who could most definately not be her stared back. The dress was black, short and not at all something anyone would expect a bride to wear on her wedding day.

She loved it.

"You should get a sex change Kid."

"I get that all the time."

"..."

X-x-X

Soul wondered briefly if he would ever get his apartment back. When he voiced this his 'friends' all collapsed into fits of snorts and giggles of hysteria before one of them straightened their faces enough to glare at him and answer with a curt 'no'.

His home had been turned into Revenge of the Frills and Return of Bridezilla.

And Maka wasn't doing a thing about it.

What happened to the pre-marital bliss everyone talked about? What happened to the awesome sex?

Seriously.

Soul couldn't help but feel like he got the shorter end of the stick in this situation.

"...what is that." He muttered one morning when he finally managed to drag himself out of the...coach. (His life sucked. Seriously.) and was met with a pristine Kid, Wes, Maka and Tsubaki who all beamed (except Kid of course who just sort of managed to twitch at his entrance - Soul felt honoured) with stacks of paper surrounding them from every possible surface in his former refuge.

_Freaking morning people..._

"This is your itinerary for the day," Kid replied robotically, holding up a very heavy, very thick, very boring looking wad, before continuing on, "And on that counter we have Maka's half of the guest list, Wes is sorting through possible venues and Tsubaki and Maka are deciding on catering." Soul blinked, glared at the forest that was slowing spreading to his living room and seriously considered bursting into tears.

"What happened to the coffee machine?"

"It was in the way of the transport papers. I had it removed." The way Kid said 'removed' made Soul think of a ruthless dictator that had just obliterated everything that had ever mattered to him via tap-dancing.

"...you did what?"

"It was unnecessary. Just like the television and the-"

"Kid, Soul's kinda stopped breathing..."

"...piano...Soul?"

X-x-X

After a week of torture Maka and Soul collapsed onto the bed, side by side, too strung up on caffeine and over exposure to Kid to sleep and too tired to move.

"Remind me again why we're doing this?" Maka moaned, attempting to roll onto her stomach but not being able to muster the energy.

"Something about liking each other."

"Right...Why'd we do something stupid like that?"

He paused for a sec. "You know...I'm not entirely sure."

After a long silence in which neither of them could think of what else to say something occurred to the once oblivious Solomon Eater Evans. "We could always do vegas."

"..."

Unsurprisingly she was actually considering it.

Then before they could finalise their plan and escape into the night...

"_**NO**_!" The door was literally blown open, narrowly avoiding a certain death scythes head in the process, golden eyes were soon joined by varying others - equal levels of vindictive pleasure in their depths.

There was a clinking of chains and the 'happy couple' shrank back into the pillows, avoiding the door that was now sticking out of their headboard as best they could.

"...If we have to chain you to this house so be it but you WILL get married my way and you WILL enjoy it! UNDERSTAND!?" The young shinigami roared, giggling like a mad man whilst swinging the chains round in a perfectly symmetrical arc.

"Eep!!" Was all Maka could mangage, Soul was already a pile of bodily fluids on the carpet.

X-x-X

"Vegas?"

"Promise."

"NO!"

"But I've eaten _enough_ cake!"

X-x-X

The long grueling trial that was the wedding planner's schedule for the bride and groom had passed and the nuptuals were due to take place in two days time.

Everyone knows what that means I'm sure.

"PARTY AT MAKA'S!"

"Yahoo! Time for a stag!"

...The real torture is about to begin.

X-x-X

"...a STRIP club?!"

"...Kid seriously, where the hell do you think we'd end up with BlackStar planning this?"

"...STRIPPING. WOMEN. CLUB!" Soul would have normally put a comforting arm round the young boy, given him a cuddly eight plushie to play with and sent him on his merry way home...

But revenge was delicious.

"It's a crucial part of the wedding process and is a tradition passed down from many generations tracing all the way back to-"

"Oh shut up Wes you just want to get laid!" The older Evan's should have been offended by this comment but since he was in such a graceful mood he decided he'd let it pass...that and a really hot blonde was eyeing him from over the other side of the club...

"Come on Kid," BlackStar whined, tugging the suddenly moutain like boy's sleeve, "you're my god damn chick magnet!"

"If any girl touches me. I'm blowing this place eight symmetrical ways to Sunday." Soul gave him a blank look.

"You're unarmed."

"Oh. I have my ways." The scythe rolled his eyes and attempted to pretend that Kid was just a particularly elaborate piece of foliage, BlackStar was already off toward the stage - dragging a more than eager Spirit behind him. _Perverts... _was his initial thought, then again that red head did have really big-

"Heya Suga'" an unfamiliar voice cooed in the death god's ear, Kid lurched out his seat and into Soul's lap causing several women to squeal with delight, "Aw is the big ol' death god scared of little ol' me?" Kid wanted to answer 'yes terrifying woman - just like the rest of your crazy gender' but instead his pride as a shinigami only allowed him to go with-

"STRANGER DANGER!" She pouted, putting a hand on one of her exposed hips and sighing melodramatically.

"Aw, so tense suga' you really need to loosen up."

"Trust me, we've tried everything to remove that blimp from his ass." Kid glared at the white haired boy he was currently clinging to, his glare clearly stated 'I will now report everyhing you do/say back to Maka. With explicit detail.'

_Bugger. _

"Let me have a shot at him," the woman practically purred, Kid only clung tighter.

"Madam I have a very strict 'no touching strangers' rule that I-"

"Tch, tell that to Noah and BlackStar and Liz and Patti and Stein and-"

"Soul! _Shut up!"_hissed the very nearly frantic boy but Soul had no pity and took to watching BlackStar jiggling like a moron with a pink feather boa from one of the dancers strapped round his head, taking his phone out to video the beautiful moment of blackmail.

"Try this Suga' and ya can thank me later," she winked and handed him a literally steaming, mold coloured drink that looked as if someone had simply scooped up whatever was at the bottom of BlackStar's bath and shoved it into a cocktail glass.

Kid took it, Soul was stunned.

"Alcohol doesn't affect me dear lady so you are wasting your time." He announced dryly after downing the entire cup in one go.

"Oh dear," she sighed, a smirk plastered to her rose coloured lips - blue eyes sparkling with mischief, "I tried my best then." She shrugged, offering him an all too familiar shot class, "but I think we should toast to this sad truth." Kid shrugged and, in a show of how unaffected the boy was, took the bottle of tequila and downed it all with only a few stops for air.

The young woman's grin was so large it nearly swallowed her face.

"...Kid...?"

"Soul -_hic- _I fee-_hic-_I feeeee-_hic_-I-_hehehehehe-_I feel pweeety!"

"Oh sweet jesus..."

X-x-X

"So we're just doing makeup?"

"Yep."

"And manicures."

"uh huh."

"magazines and gossip?"

"Don't forget the Desperate Housewives/Grey's Anatomy marathon."

"Wow."

"What?" Blair looked up from the Cosmo she was reading.

"It's so _normal_." Maka shuddered at the oddness of the statement. It felt weird on her tongue.

"Well..." Liz winced a little in preparation. "We might have left a couple things out."

Fan-freaking-tastic.

"Big Sis~!!" Patti sang from the corridor, "They're here~!"

"Who's here?" Maka asked, unable to hide the quiver of fear in her voice.

"Oh, ya know..." Tsubaki said vaguely, uncharacteristically beaming like a predator, "...the stripograms."

Maka's life flashed before her eyes...

...She'd never realized how short her skirt was...

X-x-X

"...are...are you seeing this?"

"Yes. The image will forever be burnt onto my retinas." Soul could only gape in horror next to his brother and blue haired moron of a friend as Kid - tie round head, bottle of vodka in one hand, two scantily clad women draped off either arm - danced round on stage to the song 'Sober' by P!nk.

"Youtube?"

"Hells to the yeah."

"He's," Spirit sniffed pathetically, "So lucky,"

"I thought this was supposed to be _my_ bachelor party." Soul snorted in amusement, "So not cool."

"Well he _is_ your Maid of Honor." The group all shared a unanimous shudder of terror.

"Hey guys you have got to see what Stein did to this chai- Whoa what happened to Kid..." Ox - self-invited member of the group - also took to gaping up at the stage with a mix of awe and jealousy on his features, "I never knew someone could bend that way..."

"I think we should stop him before something _really _bad happens." Kilik - the only one who had managed to keep his head - muttered, shaking his head and sighing as the young shinigami stage dived into the all to eager crowd. The 'stranger danger' rule all but set on fire.

"Please, it's Kid what on earth could possibly-"

"I'll take whatever that boy's drinking," an all too familiar voice drawled behind the group, a shiver of fear going down the present parties spines as they all twisted round to glare at the one person who could make it worse.

"_NOAH_!"

"Baby-cakes!" Sang the drunken shinigami - missing his jacket, belt and now adorned with a particularly colourful set of marks on his exposed neck. The god's of irony began slapping their thighs in hysterics.

X-x-X

Maka was in the middle of an aneurysm from the very sweaty, very clearly gay stripper currently humping her leg like a frisky dog when she got the sneaking suspicion that her partner was in danger.

She and Soul were connected by spirit, their resonance so complete now that they were master technician and death scythe that it was near constant. This gave them great insight to what each other were feeling or experiencing even when not in each others presence.

This of course, for a relationship could be both a time saver and the source of many an arguments usually ending in, _"GET OUT OF MY HEAD! MAKA!CHOP!"_ Ah, bliss.

But really in that moment she knew that he _really_ needed her and not in the good way.

Not that she was going to answer to his every beck and call when three very insane and one very well meaning friend were looking at her with eyes that said._ "Move and die."_

Soul was on his own for this one.

X-x-X

While a suddenly sober Kid was off trying to ditch a very flamboyant and particular flashy looking Noah that reminded Soul suspiciously of a character in a book Maka was reading -coughMagnusBanecough- The 23 year old male curled in on himself and waited for the not-nearly-as-hellish-as-he-thought-but-pretty-close bachelor party to end so he could ditch his seriously uncool posse and sleep. If Maka (and Kid's) behaviour was any indication then tomorrow was going to be one of the worst days of his life.

Wedding rehearsal. Ugh.

He didn't have time to ponder this for Spirit, who was also surprisingly sober, pushed another drink towards him and glared menacingly at him.

"It's time we had a talk, _son_." he grit out with a creepy smile.

Soul graciously downed the drink. There was no way _he_ was doing this sober.

"Oh really?" He squeaked out, pretending not to notice as his supposedly sensible, law-abiding older brother had a blindfold tied round his head and was dragged into the back room by giggling show-girls, "what about?"

"Maka."

"Oh?" Soul tried to sink into the leather sofa.

And failed.

"Yes. You see, Maka is my baby. My _only _baby and I need to look after her - you see where I'm going with this?" Soul's answer was silenced as another glass was shoved under his nose, dimly he was aware of the scuffle in the background as Kid was forced to down yet another round of scotch and pink, strawberry tequila and BlackStar challenging a pot plant to a duel but the way Spirit began leaning over the table toward him made it all very unimportant.

"Soul. Have you and Maka...'done it' yet?" What little colour Soul had promptly drained out his features, that was all Spirit needed as an answer.

"YOU DEFILED MY BABY'S HONOUR!"

The bar went silent.

"...I'm...sorry?"

"PREPARE TO BATTLE NAVE!" And with as much dignity as a red-headed, 40 year old drunk death scythe could manage - Spirit leapt out the chair and promptly began choking the life out his future son-in-law.

X-x-X

Later that night Soul unlocked the door to his apartment, still twitching to find himself nose to nose with his fiance. Who, let the record state, did not look very happy.

She smiled a little, wrapping an arm around his waste and falling onto the couch next to him. "I think that went rather well." _huh?_ "No serious injuries, no mental scarring that a couple years of therapy won't fix....All things considered it could have been worse."

After a long, comfortable silence the two stood sagely and commenced with their nightly routine of getting ready for bed at the end of which they found themselves in the same place they'd been when the night began, comfortable and warming themselves against the autumn cold in each others arms.

"Just so you know, I'm never doing this again." Soul told her suddenly. "I refuse to go through another bachelor party, that would be so uncool." he scoffed, resting his chin on her shoulder so that his mouth was next to her ear. "So if we're doing this, this is it. An in it for the long run deal, okay?"

She smiled softly. She knew that this was his macho way of reassuring her. He didn't want her to even _think_ they might end up like her parents.

For this she was grateful.

"I love you too Soul." She snuggled deeper into the covers and his embrace and for the first time in a long time she felt like this day that was looming before them like the countdown to doomsday didn't really seem that awful.

"Yeah, whatever Maka." he smirked, "Good night."

That night she had no nightmares of Kid and wedding dresses, of fights that hadn't yet happened, of her parents or monsters. Her sleep was dreamless and carefree.

For the first time in a long while.

**_Note:_**I wanted to show the sweeter side with the ending here. I am not a sap! Seriously, wedding stories can't be all crack. It's supposed to be about them....sort of. Anyway. I'm going to be trying to put in some more fluff (but not too much, we still need room for side stitching humor) in future chapts.

And I do believe this story is coming to a close. I know, so sad.

Well ladies and gents, it's been a great ride!

-Fiercy and Pip


	7. Drag Me Up the Aisle

**Title: **The Wise Stay Single  
**Chapter: **Drag Me Down the Aisle  
**Pairings: **Soul/Maka, Kid/Noah etc.  
**Warnings: **For all those who love the frilly sweet and wonderful white weddings....good luck with that.  
**Note: **...We took a while we know. With SE for the TS too. We know and we're sorry. Sort of. But I'm in exams and so is Pip...so when summer finally rolls around we'll probably have more time then. We know it's short but there's one more chap to go and we didn't want to drag it out.

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"I am a genius." Liz gave her meister a look that clearly stated '_stop hanging around with Black Star so much_' before continuing with the minor preparations. These people weren't going to seat themselves…

"I mean," Kid went on oblivious to the world not caring, "who else could orchestrate such symmetrical perfection?"

Liz sighed; she wasn't getting paid enough for this crap.

"Only me!" By this point the elder pistol had wandered off to talk to someone with perhaps even half a scrap of sanity left – her options were rather limited.

"Please, hold your applause for the complete symmetry of the cake!"

"…mommy that boy's talking to himself."

"Just avoid eye contact and maybe he'll go away…"

Kid gave himself a quick pat on the back; he really out did himself this time…

And no one, not even his armada of stalkers, was going to ruin it for him.

_Maka_…yes, he meant Maka.

X-x-X

Spirit was on the phone with his wife. His ex-wife. And really every moment he spent talking to the shrieking banshee on the phone was another decibal his hearing couldn't take in anymore.

"YOU LET HER DO WHAT?! How could you be so irresponsible, you pathetic excuse for a father. I trusted you to keep her safe and happy and you let her throw her entire life away at twenty-three. Is she knocked up? I'm not old enough to be a grandmother! You insufferable man, she's lived with this boy for almost ten years. Do you know how long this could have been going on? I mean really-!"

With a resigned sigh he dumped the receiver in a wastebasket and walked away.

Some deal with such matters by burning old photos or using other elaborate means.

The Deathscythe found that ignoring her was much more effective.

X-x-X

"Ack! Who's taken my eyeliner?!"

"Patti that's _my _underwear you're brandishing!"

"Has anyone seen my hair tie?!"

"WEE~ Giraffes!"

"Hey! Who moved my damn hair tie you guys!"

"Nya~"

"Oi Liz! You've been hogging the bathroom for an hour now! Some of us need to get _ready!" _

"Seriously. Eyeliner? Where is it?!"

"Patti! Stop hanging my bra's off the ceiling fan!"

"Blair! Put _something _on!"

Ox and Harvar stared at the door in wonder.

"Dude, don't go in there..." a disembodied voice croaked, both boys looked upwards.

"Black...Black Star?! Why are you stuck to the ceiling?!"

"..." a shudder was their only responce.

X-x-X

Shinigami looked from his right to left in amusement, clearly unperturbed by the tense awkwardness of the meeting.

His son blinked up at him smiling so broadly he was sure that it was actually _too big_ for his face. On the other side of the alter BlackStar and Wes shoved each other every chance they got. Clearly letting his friends decide who the best man would be was not a smart choice on Soul's part.

"So," Shinigami gleaned cheerfully, "My little boy's all grown up and a Matron of Honor!" He laughed, clapping the blue-suit clad man on the back making him pitch forward and knock his head against the marble floor of the church.

A tumbleweed passed across the aisle and Random Guest #2 coughed quietly in the background.

"...So...." Wes whistled awkwardly.

"So where's the bride and groom?"

X-x-X

"DRIVE. DRIVE. _DRIVE_!" Soul shrieked, clinging onto his fiancee for all he was worth.

Maka floored it, a rather terrifying grin on her features.

"BORN TO BE WI~LD!" She sang, flinging the bouquet behind them.

The ceremony could eat her dust.

X-x-X

"WHERE ARE THEY!?" Kid shrieked.

BlackStar laughed a little to himself, knowing _exactly _where they were and enjoying every minute of the death-god-to-be's pain.

Wes was mockingly playing his violin in the background.

Shinigami was just smiling absently.

"SOMEONE HAS TO GET MARRIED!"

Noah stood up so suddenly that he tipped the bench with four other people sitting on it over and rushed to steal the bouquet from Chrona before rushing up the aisle to kid, batting his eyelashes and smiling giddily.

Kid looked a little green.

**A/N: -**hums funeral march-


	8. With Friends Like These

**Title: **The Wise Stay Single  
**Chapter 8: **With Friend's Like These, Who Needs Therapy...? They Do.  
**Pairing(s): **The usual suspects.  
**Warning: **Utterly pointless crack.

**A/N:** OH WOW. Not only did we finish our first fic, but I get to be on top! :D. :D. :D. SCORE.

* * *

Last time on The Wise Stay Single...

_"BlackStaaaaaar!!!!!!!"_

_"BORN TO BE WI-ILD~!"_

_"Kid's the Maid of Honor?!" "Of course! Who else could orchestrate such symmetrical perfection?"_

_"Soul...I think I'm pregnant!" "What?!" "And Kid's the father." "But Kid doesnt have a-!" "WHAT?!" "Maka, how could you do this to me?!"_

Just kidding.

This time...

Will Soul and Maka ever be free of their friends?

Will Noah eventually track down Kid?

What _exactly _is BlackStar compensating for?

And will Soul finally _get some_?!

Find out in this season's shocking conclusion!

--

The couples were swaying elegantly under the starlit canopy, each and every one so wrapped up in the other that nothing of their surroundings penetrated their content.

One couple, a younger couple, were a little off to the side. She was dressed smartly, her dress short and hair clipped back. He was dressed to kill, his midnight suit and dark sunglasses reflecting the beautiful surroundings.

"...this is dull." She eventually muttered, failing to hide her gag as one man began to enthusiastically suck the face off his spouse.

"Yup." The other agreed.

"Do you think we can go back home yet?"

"Nope." He replied, looking at his watch, "I'd give it at least another few years. Just in case Kid was _really _mad we ran for it."

She groaned, her head thumping off the wall behind them.

"Can we at _least _go kill something?"

He considered this, looking at the smooching couples with distaste. "I thought you'd never ask."

--

"Now this is more like it!" Maka stretched, her back cracking a bit as she lay back, sighing in contentment. She looked through the books spread across her knees and grinned toothily as the runs rays bared down on her from above.

"How so?" Soul raised an eyebrow and tilted his tinted glasses down to look at her. "We actually _left_ the hotel room. That's not what's supposed to happen on a honeymoon."

"Maka!Chop~" She cheerfully hit him on the head with the thickest of the tomes, before taking a glance at the sparkling ocean and empty beach. She stood up, plopped down beside her _husband-_who was rubbing his head in earnest -and winked. "We could go swimming," she preened in a sultry voice. "We've got this whole beach to ourselves, no one around," she leaned closer, her breath hot on his sun-kissed skin, poor Soul looked dazed for a moment. Maka's lips brushed gently against his as she spoke, "We could-"

"YAHOO! THIS PLACE LOOKS GREAT!"

"BLACK STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!" Their first bonding activity as husband and wife: doing illicit and contraband things that would make Medusa cringe, to their dear, dear friend.

--

"So..." Tsubaki shifted guiltily, the Thompson sisters eyed the beach and Black Star bled on the floor.

"So? That's all you have to say!"

"We're sorry Maka!" Tsubaki cried, "it's just so boring without you!"

"Seriously, the plot stalks _you guys_."

"So you followed us on our _honeymoon?!" _Soul snarled, particularly pissed off with the turn of events. God damn it things had _finally _been going his way! He snuck a look at Maka, her bikini showing off that flattering figure perfectly and-

"Oi Soul, your nose is bleeding." An encyclopedia was once again embedded within his cranium, once he was dealt with Maka turned to the others who were cowering behind Black Star's corpse.

"Alright..." she snarled, flexing her chopping arm, "anyone else got anything perverted to think about?"

Black Star gurgled.

Maka's eye twitched.

--

"So what does one do on a honeymoon?" Kid inquired as they sat around a table with six extra (unwanted) seats. He raised a perfect eyebrow, realised what he had done and collapsed into nervous twitches at his blatant humiliation of symmetry.

For shame.

Soul and Maka exchanged a look, then double taked in opposite direction, blushes on their faces. "Couple stuff." they said simultaneously.

"So I'll assume sexy fun times." Blair interrupted.

Maka promptly spit out her wine, all over Soul's hair while the poor man shifted his pained looking gaze from his wife to his lap before sighing and banging his head against the corner of the table.

This was going to be a long night.

"By the way, we're in the room next to yours!"

Scratch that.

It was going to be a _very _long night.

--

Soul knew there was something wrong here.

There he was, on his honeymoon. Lying next to the girl he adored more than anything, in _bed, _in his _underwear_ yet they weren't so much as _looking _at one another.

"So..." he ventured, Maka stiffened.

"So." She repeated.

"Do you wanna...um...?"

"I don't know...with the others next door..." As if on cue Kid began shrieking over the 7 towels in the bathroom, Black Star laughing with glee as his hid the eighth one.

"...night Soul." Maka mumbled, burrying her head into the duvet.

Soul growled and attempted to smother himself with his own pillow.

--

"Should we be worried?"

The couple sat side by side at the breakfast table (today they'd had the foresight to find one with eight chairs) and looked around earnestly for their friends. There was a mountain of expensive and delicious looking food. And none of them were even in sight. Under the table, Maka was squeezing Soul's hand so hard that bones were splintering. Neither noticed. They were far too busy jumping at every body that brushed past their table and shrieked at anyone who dared attempt the exchange of pleasantries; such as kindly old strangers, fellow couples, small children and the wait staff.

"This is getting creepy." Nothing good ever comes from quiet. Not in _their_ circle.

"If we find them..." Maka trailed off, gripping the collar of Soul's shirt, nearing hysteria, "I just want you to know I love you, okay?" she finished dramatically, to the chorus of oohs, aahs and cooing delight of the other patrons of the hotel.

Ah, young love, so overly dramatic.

They were unaware of just how serious the situation is, for just outside, beyond the line of cafes and across the brilliant white sand a true war had broken out.

"You shall rue the day you challenged me Black Star!" Kid yelled, slapping the walls of his fort and accidently putting a hole clean through. Apparently sand was indeed rather structurally unsound.

Black Star cackled, "oh yeah pretty boy?! Eat this!"

"Water bomb!" Patti squealed, her sister - too busy catching up on her tan - did not notice the projectile and ended up with a lap full of freezing salt water. Shrieking Liz leapt to her feet, hurling a tube of suncream at the guffawing ninja. The top split off on contact, thick, oily cream splattering over the assassins face.

"MY EYES!" Black Star yelled. Kid smirked.

"That will teach you!"

Black Star promptly ran into his walls, the tsunami of sand smothering all innocent bathers in its path.

Maka sighed. Soul was too busy slamming his head against the table.

--

"Hi everybody! The party can now start," a whirlwind of spatulas, stolen wedding presents of coffee makers and fondue sets, some sparkles and the world's smallest violin imploded right into the inn housing the rag tag group of miscreant honeymoon crashers. "Wes is here!"

...

"Where is everybody?"

A purr. "I'll keep you company tiger."

He probably should have reconsidered the tie.

Figure it out.

--

"I think we should kill them."

"SOUL!"

"No really, listen, I have a plan!" He insisted. Maka raised an eyebrow as she barricaded their hotel room, the wardrobe Soul was sat on top of extremely difficult to move.

"Do," she grunted as she heaved, "_tell." _

"Right, we get a blender-"

"A blender?" She squawked indignantly, glaring up at his perch.

"Are you going to let me finish or not?" Soul huffed.

"Sorry darling, what were you saying?"

"...I've forgotten the details but we turn them all into smoothies and feed them to the other honeymooners!" He beamed, even as the light of the room smacked off his forehead.

Maka pursed her lips, "Sweeney Todd?"

"...well it's not like _we _were doing anything last night!" Soul found his head quite suddenly embedded in the ceiling.

--

"1000 paper cuts and lemon juice?"

"Tying them to chairs, using their own intestines as rope?"

"Only if the chairs are made of their own bones."

"We could break out the meat cleavers!"

"Too messy."

"And disembowelment isn't?!"

"Well if all else fails we could stick to the classics."

"The rack?"

"Huh..." she paused, contemplating. "I hadn't thought of that."

"Well, what are partners for?" he leaned in with a raucous smile to plant a chaste kiss on her lips.

It's a sad day for married-kind when the first thing a couple truly bonds over is the possible tortures in store for their soon-to-be deceased friends.

--

"I got them out."

"Gnuuurrr," Soul groaned, yanking the covers back over his and Maka's heads. "What the hell are you doing here Wes and what are you talking about?"

"Soul. Shut up. Sleep. Now."

"Your friends are, as we speak, on a government plane headed right back to Area 51, Death City, Nevada." Wes, like an overexcited two year old on christmas hopping into bed with his parents, leapt on top of them and shoved angel cake down the throats. "Time to really celebrate! Who's the best?"

The words processed.

...

Processed some more.

...

Simultaneously they shot up so fast that they threw the elder sibling off the bed altogether. "They're gone." Maka exclaimed excitedly.

"They're really gone!" Soul affirmed with a whoop.

They jumped up and down on the bed, shrieking and shouting as if the messaiah had come.

Giggle fest~

Wes, the hero, suddenly found himself on the other side of the hotel room door, with nothing more than a "kthxbi." as thanks for his heroism.

He could forgive him though because... well... it _was _their honeymoon.

Bowchika_wowow_~

**A/N: Soul finally got some. All's well that end's well I guess. Finito. Done. Au revoir! We LOVE you guys. Seriously. It's FINISHED. Months late but WHATEVER.**

**This seems appropriate though; AND THEN THEY MADE OUT.**

**It's been a loooong long, ridiculous run.**

**Does it surprise you that we had absolutely no plan for this?**

**This is totally unrelated but Pip has a harem. I think she has earned the right to Seme-dom dont you think?**

**Thanks again for sticking with us guys! It's been an honor and a pleasure...I make it sound like we're at war dont I?**

**And now I'm ranting.**

**Ciao Bella's and...Bello's?**

**Until next time~  
**


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